1. The unlovable

    Some just have no luck
    Some cut corners
    Some cheat
    Others dwindle in same spot
    Some get the girl who is better than themselves
    Some gets the guys who hold them by their throats
    Some have fun and get pregnant so fast
    Some never care
    Some have a mask that never comes off
    Some will tell you a lie that you didn’t know was a lie…
    Some will hurt you intentionally
    Some don’t give a fuck
    Some know they are hurting you
    Some are pure evil
    Some you should have never come across with in life..
    Some people don’t mix with other people
    Because that mix is the most fatal.
    One makes one hurt so bad
    They jump off
    Tired of the same shit
    No matter how much you tried to tell them
    They don’t care
    But they still end up happy
    While I am underground.


  2. I rode my bike to woodlawn today. I several times thought of ways to just think how can I just get hit by a car and just die fast. Everyone was driving so slow. I went and got a raspa. I sat there listening to my music on my phone. I thought and thought. I just wanted a friend. A true friend. I wanted her to be my friend. It so happens I liked her more than a friend. Just hoped I liked her but I wasn’t sure. I did my best and I failed. She wanted to kill herself because I was going to tell her stupid girlfriend what a low ass she is dating. I should have told her. I should have exposed her. I would want to know kind of person I am dating even if it’s bad. J dosent deserve to be happy with her. She deserves to be hurt and exposed just like I was. It’s not fair. But she wanted to kill herself. But she didn’t because I told her I wouldn’t tell her girlfriend. Goddamn I hate her guts. I hate bitches that get to have and eat their cake when they fuck up others in the process. So she is back with her gf who refuses her to have a life..Gee I wonder why now. Fuck that shit and fuck this shit and fuck them both. I regret every ounce of this. I hope a meteor crashed on my face soon. Even then she wouldn’t give a fuck. Buy I am so unhappy inside. I feel so betrayed. I feel ugly inside. And she was the person I wanted to trust to be the friend I could talk to. Fuck that


  3. I woke up

    Shit I am sick. My voice is out and I feel like crappo. Went to work but left already. On my way home. Go home and take my silver meds. All this anger I have is suppressed to one moment it will blow. I woke up today feeling like everything was a big bunch of nothing and only I am left broken. I shouldn’t have made a deal with the devil.


  4. I’m only happy when it rains

    Today was horrible. Suckin dick would have been better. I am sad and lonely. I hate that I let my guard down. I wanted her to stay.


  5. Vindicated. Deception. Fuckery.
    I am going to my other blog. Dueces.


  6. Realest dream

    I had this dream

    I was walking down flores on my way to the bus stop at 4am. No cats out Jo one out, just cold morning and street lights on. Very peaceful and stunning. No sign of life. I walk up to this car that has its hazard lights on and hood up. A little scared I walk to the opposite side of the street to see if I see anyone. I see someone under the hood crying. A woman. I contemplate on if I should approach her to help. I walk up to her and I realize it is J. This time J had long curly beautiful hair, but I recognize her eyes. That smile. She was crying but she didn’t recognize me. I asked what was wrong and why she was on the side of the road. She said she was on her way to drive her car off the road near the park and hee car broke down and that she wanted to die. Shocked, I stand there and listen. I know what she feels like. I was glad that I finally got to meet her but not in this way. I grabbed her hands and told her to get her stuff so we could leave go find some help. She took me to the passenger side door and opened her door and I saw a gun laying on the seat. That’s when I realized that this was real and I told her that she didn’t need to hurt herself. She started yelling at me about how she wanted to die and how her life sucks and how she can’t do something without fucking up something else. I was just glad she was there with me and that I could help her. She sat there crying and i listened. This was friendship and I saw her nothing more than that. If it wasn’t for me she would have killed herself and I knew it was right timing. We walked down flores in the dark together. She took my arm and nd held it and I told her to not worry things and things are not as bad as she may seem. She had the hiccups and we laughed. It was one of the saddest dreams I have ever had. One of the realest dreams. This made me miss her all over again.


  7. Truth


  8. It’s crazy how they don’t feel the same


  9. No fucking shhhhiitt



  11. Trust

    I feel good. Life is good. I had an amazing dinner. I contacted that tv show antique roadshow about my helllllla rare book. Could get several thousands of bucks possibly. Get the fuck out of here. Worked sucked the big d. Life is great and I am happy!


  12. This guy

    So this chick on the bus came up to me sayin how cute I am. I had my headphones on and told her I didn’t hear what she said. She said she loves my hair and my tats. I said thanks. She asked if maybe I’d want to hang out sometime. I was very stunned. Ok…I said. She sat down next to me and chatted with me about her job and how her weekend was. She liked my teeth and eyes. I was flattered. I said I am down for new friends but that’s it. She gave me her number and winked at me. I didn’t even get her name. See how easy that was?


  13. My therapist says that everyone in my life has abandoned me when they all promised to stay or promised some sort of something that leaves me heartbroken to where I take things to heart. It is a combination of leaving, lying, false promises, leading on, cheating, deception, and sudden mind changes. He said I take things personal because I don’t have a family to back up my reassurances to always be there for me so I lack a permanent base of love. I don’t have a home base to go to when love fails, or when friends deceive me, or when I need home base needs. He said a friend like me is so good because I treat my friends like people would treat their family. I am devoted, sincere, giving , and communicative. I rely on how I feel and I rely on saying how I feel so it helps me help others understand. My therapist says I am very smart and don’t need to worry about people who use me and knowingly disrespect me. He said I have every right to be upset and to ask for answers to understand why things happened they way they did and why it was so hard for her to be my friend. He said excuses are signs she isn’t telling the truth. He said anyone would question motives if they were in my.position and that I shouldn’t let her make me feel bad for second guessing, esp since she gives me no reason to believe her she dosent make efforts to meet me half way. He said it’s just I don’t want to believe she can do that to me intentionally. He’s right.

    I wish she would call me and just talk to me. She has the stitches and the glue if she made it up to me to help me understand that maybe I am wrong in how I feel Like prove to me she wants to be my friend than what she shows me that she hates my guts. Whyy cannnt she do that? Maybe she has no heart.


  14. Time

    It is almost time for me to talk to my therapist. Today was great. I did think about J today but it just seems more negative. Negative as in I am fine not talking to her anymore. She is better off with out me in her life as I am better without her. Sucks that it had to come to this. Sucks bad. She still hasn’t contacted me yet. I wish she did, but glad she didnt. I wish she was here to talk to me face to face and say she is sorry but she wants my friendship in her life. Not her gf or anything more, just friends. But no…. I replace that softnedd with the fact she can careless what her actions do to others. I am disappointed. Here goes my therapy time. My therapist wants to see my progress in this journal.


  15. Wow

    I just talked to a 95 year old version of myself on the phone just now. I am amazed. This lady thinks exactly how I do without me.even telling her how I think. She was telling me how she dosent believe in God..and how she is pragmatic agnostic..she was very sweet and just so intelligent. I got her address to write her. I can’t wait. She told me to call her one day so we can chat and even visit her in New York City . Now that is a friend. She said “rawr you can’t make change”. She was Jewish decent but don’t believe in god, only as a crutch. She said so many cool.things that I can’t replay everything. Man I’m amazed. I told her she made my day. She said I made hers. Super cool. 45 min calll.